raura de la muerte

2005-12-24T17:44:00.000-05:00

Back at home. It's cold here. I threw up on the airplane on the way home. It was four kinds of hotness. The people on the plane were like, "poor girl, she has motion sickness." And I was thinking, "ha, yeah right.... Or else I'm just hungover." And seeing how late the flight was, the fact that I threw up is quite significant. Like damn, I don't even remember everything that happened...

So back to now, the little brother is coming home tonight. Up until now it's just been me and my mother in the house..... so boring. At least I had things to do like renew my license. Man, do I ever love trips to the ghetto. So on the upside my brother will be here later tonight, and on the downside we will be attempting to share one car amongst three people. Joyous.

2005-12-10T20:36:00.000-05:00

My computer decided to die. Windows won't start. At the very least I have this Linux thing, booting from a CD. So let us review all the problems that have occurred with my computer, in a little over two years:

1. Hard drive had to be replaced

2. (Again) Hard drive had to be replaced. I made them replace the fan too, because I suspected that it wasn't working and the thing was overheating. I guess it worked because I didn't have any problems for a while.

3. The things connecting the LCD to the computer stopped working and needed to be replaced.

4. When the LCD connectors were replaced, my CD/DVD drive was broken. I had to send it back to be replaced.

5. My audio out jack isn't working properly. Sometimes it kills the right speaker output, and I have to smack my computer to make it work.

6. Windows stopped being able to load. I took out my hard drive, put it back in, and it worked again.

7. (Again) Windows stopped being able to load. I took out my hard drive, put it back in, and it worked again.

8. Later that day, windows stopped being able to load. Taking the hard drive out and putting it in again didn't fix it. I am currently using Linux, running it directly from a CD. But that's only a temporary fix before I get my OS CD in the mail (my mom is sending it!) and see if a repair installation works with it.

Le sigh. We'll have to see what happens. It's a Gateway notebook. At the very least, my warranty is still valid....

2005-12-06T13:32:00.000-05:00

Yeah, so it's been a while since the last post. So much to catch up on. Thanksgiving weekend was particularly eventful, as it involved many endeavors such as going to a party in New York, where almost everybody spoke French. So it was actually quite entertaining to be at this party being only half-drunk (because they ran out of alcohol) and not understanding what people were saying. So that was indeed a good weekend. This past weekend not so much. A few notes on the past weekend:

1. This weekend was really, really, boring.

2. I should drink more. Be more of the Irish that I am.

3. Seriously now, I'm dying by the age of 30.

4. The Hopkins symphony orchestra is good.

5. I got really, really, lazy. And by that I mean I didn't even feel like doing Econ. And that stuff is easy.

See? I'm even a lazy blogger! Just listing stuff. You'd think I'd have learned by now....

2005-11-21T19:14:00.000-05:00

Ah. I am now eating matzo ball soup. It is good. It reminds me of when I had cancer, and the first time I did chemotherapy, when I was very sick in bed. My friend D brought me matzo ball soup and it tasted excellent. I admittedly was only able to eat something like one and a half matzo balls, but they were so good, it didn't matter. I think I fell asleep afterward and probably had very good dreams of matzo ball soup. So I guess that whenever I have matzo ball soup now, I'll think of the time when D brought me that awesome matzo ball soup.

2005-11-18T18:55:00.000-05:00

Maybe if you've read the last few posts, (essentially the entire blog), you may have noticed that it can be somewhat dark. I started writing many years ago. Maybe four or five years ago. It is a catharsis. I have stacks of papers and a half full graph paper notebook. I have written hundreds of pages, some typewritten, some not. I even tried my hand at poetry a few times, though it never seemed to come across the way I wanted to. The bluntness of prose simply seemed to be more powerful.

By nature I write more when I'm angry or sad. When happy I'm just too busy being so goddamn happy to be busy with writing things. Though perhaps I shall try to do some happy writing so those who are my friends or stalkers or just bored people reading this blog don't feel so crummy and depressed after reading this. But most definitely when situations get hard, writing prose just seems to sort things out. It is inexplicable. So naturally that may be a good chunk of what is written. Fair warning and disclaimer for everything.

So essentially today we were all going to see the new Harry Potter movie. Alas, some of us could not make it so it was delayed until Sunday. That is alright. Things happen, and events must be rescheduled. So in walking back I decided that as long as I had nothing to do, I might as well buy groceries. So I walked to the Giant in Waverly (it wasn't dark yet so it's okay), the entire time thinking about how alone I was. Due to the breakup that by now probably everybody knows about.

I still think that the breakup was the right choice. That doesn't mean that I don't feel bad. In fact I feel horrible. He was not only my boyfriend but one of my best friends (if not my absolute best friend). And I broke up with him. Some people I talk to cannot really understand how I can feel so bad, given that I was the one who ended it. Imagine it this way: Your best friend was dumped by a boyfriend/girlfriend that meant more than anything to him/her. And now imagine that you are the cause of that. Imagine that you are the very reason why your best friend cries. Imagine that you broke your best friend's heart. And when you talk to your best friend you both are miserable; you hate to see him in so much pain and he cannot stand to see your face because of the memories. And when you do not talk to your best friend you both are miserable because you both feel so alone.

So love hurts. A lot. A few years ago the boyfriend I thought I could be with forever left me. And I cried. And cried. Which is why I feel so bad now. Because I know that I was the person who put someone else through that. Yet if I stayed, I would have become miserable and more miserable. Because it was not meant to be. I had to do it, but it hurts.

2005-11-13T02:11:00.000-05:00

Right now I cannot sleep so bear with me. Friday was the party celebrating the exam for Transport Phenomena II. As promised it was a fair test. Yet that does not mean that it was necessarily easy. Therefore the need for the transport party. Despite the fact that half of the people at the party weren't even taking transport. But that does not matter. The sole goal of the night was to get drunk (wow I'm starting to sound like an alcoholic). Mission accomplished. And with only the slightest headache the morning after. All in all a good college experience. Would do again. Oh. And speaking of tests, somehow squeaked away with an A- on the last one, for physiological foundations. Somewhat pleased with that. For if I had scored two points lower, the grade would have been a B+. Damn people who cheat on the homework. For with the homework factored in, my grade becomes a B+. Oh well. I did well on the test. I guess that's what happens when you study a lot.

And back to today. Or yesterday. Damn it it's still night, so I shall go back to today. Nothing happened. Woke up late with the previously mentioned headache, ate toast made by my wonderful boyfriend (in the oven, due to lack of toaster), took a shower, ate lunch (biscuits! Though my sausage fell on the floor, definitely didn't eat it after that), watched some meaningless television, napped, and then went out to eat with the boyfriend. Hurray for unproductivity! And that was the day.

And the day turns into night, with the me, unable to sleep (Damn it! I need to get some quality sleeping pills, not this benadryl stuff!). Feeling utterly alone. Not sure what to say about that. It's just when you're there, the whole world (except for the drunk college students outside) is asleep, leaving you alone. Nobody seems to understand what the fuck I'm talking about when I say that, but there you go. It's almost like high school when I would stay up until 2, not getting high or drunk or whatever high school students do, but just sitting around, wasting time, staring at the wall. Man I need to get a hobby. Yes. So there you go. Sleep: good. Awake: alone and tired, yet for some reason unable to sleep.

2005-10-20T16:11:00.000-05:00

That test was ridiculous. I'm exhausted. The fact that I studied so many hours didn't help me. I would have done just as well on that test if I had walked in without studying. That's not right. I thought the fact that I knew the material quite well would help me with the exam. Apparently I was wrong.

2005-10-17T15:43:00.000-05:00

Wednesday is the day of reckoning. It is the day of my Physiological Foundations exam, counting for 40% of my grade. At this point it seems that I will either do really well or just ok. The homeworks are starting to look better. I have been near or above average on the last two. It sounds mediocre, but remember, most of the people who do the homeworks copy from their really smart friend. So they don't actually know what they're doing. I don't have a really smart friend that I can copy from, much less any friends who are willing to help me much. Any time I ask for help it seems to be "well, if I must, I will explain it to you." Or else it turns out that I understand the concept better than they do.

Which means that because everyone else is copying from each other, and I am holding my own against them without copying from everybody, I must not be that bad off. Or at least that's how the theory goes. Because every once in a while these people surprise me by studying a lot and pushing up the curve. It's all too possible. We'll have to wait and see.

2005-10-02T16:48:00.000-05:00

Okay so I always wanted to have my own little blog and be really Cool. Well here it is. My own little world where I get to vent and stuff (because telling people about generally fun and exciting isn't as much fun as drama drama drama). And I get to act cool because I use caps to emphasize Important Words, and it's really lame, but I don't care. Hypocrisy is my friend.

Note also how I talk about people who use blogs as their own personal vent fest like "omg I listen to soooo much evanescence now I'm gonna be depressed and slit my wrists." And then post it on their "personal blog" where the real whole point of the thing is just to make everyone feel bad for you and be like "omg don't die I still love you!" Eh, give me a few more days before I start doing that. And then give me a couple more weeks before the novelty of my Blog is over and the posts become less frequent, and then a couple more months before I get really lazy and only post every three months. And then I forget my passwords and give up.

As for the title of this blog. Every time I wake up in the morning super tired it's always "I'm dying," every time my head hurts, "I'm dying," and just in general I love the kind of hyperbole that results from saying "omg I'm gonna die." So call me a drama queen if you will. But there is no denying the fact that I am not quite that sound in body. Headaches, unexplainable abdominal pain, not to mention cancer. The last of which oddly enough seems to be the least of my problems. When I say that I am dying by the age of thirty I am only half joking. But don't worry, I still have a good ten years left, at least. Y por eso soy raura de la muerte.